BY _Min_ Based on a conversation I had today, I wanted to jot some things down that were told to me when I started in the lifestyle and helped me (I think) be a little bit less of the idiot I could have been. These are things that helped me, however, may not be applicable…
Category: Concepts
The “Not a Checklist” Negotiation Sheet for BDSM Bottoms
by Tornus I’m a big fan of the fantastic one page negotiation checklist created by @amothtotheflame. It’s succinct, well-organized, and does a great job of summarizing what you actually need to know during casual pick-up play. I’ve found, though, that this sheet doesn’t really meet my needs when I’m negotiating with a new partner, especially…
The “Tonight I Want…!” Negotiation Sheet
Using the “Tonight, I want…!” Negotiation Sheet is simple: Give one copy to each person in the scene and ask them to fill it out. Ask questions! When you say you want spanking, does that have to be limited to your butt, or can I smack your chest too? Discuss the terms, and maybe write…
The Difference Between Learning and Practicing
Some of this is going to seem very obvious to you, but I hope you’ll bear with me because I have a couple of opinionated insights that might surprise you. One of the things that separates Dominance/submission from more conventional relationships, I think, is that we’re on a continual learning curve. I’ve been involved in…
Submissive Worksheet – Needs and Wants (long)
by blessingb Note: My writing reflects my relationship – female submissive / male Dominant. I recognise there are other equally valid relationships in our world. As the title suggests, this is a long article detailing a process I hope you’ll find helpful. If you prefer to do it in your own time offline, you can…
How to Avoid Hurting the One We Love
by Hermes Solenzol It is quite ironic that the person who loves you the best is also the person who is able to hurt you most deeply. Apparently, romantic relationships entail a great deal of suffering. Everybody seems to think that this is unavoidable, that suffering is just the price of admission for being loved….
Defining Kinks and Fetishes
i frequently come across many questions like this one: Can anyone give me an explanation on what a fucktoy is?! What are the normal (understood) dynamics of a situation involving a fucktoy? How do we define kinks and fetishes? Cultural theorists Stuart Hall and Ferdinand de Saussure said that we make meanings out of ourselves. The…
Old School BDSM versus New School BDSM
Laura Antoniou (author of The Marketplace series of books), wrote in an article called “Leather traditions”, “houses” and other myths people try to sell you on: There are no “old leather traditions.” There are behaviors that individuals and small, isolated groups developed as customs (Bob has a new bike! Let’s all pee on it!) and…
When Your Dom Can Sleep With Anyone He Pleases, But You Can’t
by Hermes Solenzol This practice seems to be quite common in the world of Dominance/submission (D/s). I have seen people who I respect a lot as Doms do it. And, given the enormous overlap between BDSM and polyamory / non-monogamy, it’s something that needs to be considered carefully from the ethical point of view. It…
Coming Out as Kinky – Open or Closeted in Public?
It’s said that kinky gay guys have two coming outs. First there’s coming out as gay, then, for some of us, there’s coming out as non-vanilla. Of course, neither of those processes are compulsory, that’s our choice. I’m oversimplifying, of course. I’m a gay, leather-identifying sadistic Dom in a polyamorous relationship. Close friends who’ve known…