There are as many different ways to do kink as there are people, but I want to discuss one particular type that is common enough to come up in discussion quite a lot — “a scene”. Specifically, a scene that you might do at home (which often has different characteristics to one in a public venue).

By “scene”, I mean a structured period of play. In a way, you could think of it as “scripted”, having a beginning, a middle and an end, but it doesn’t need to be a role-play. Neither party needs to change character, unless that’s something you like to do. It also doesn’t really need a “script”, just a kind of plan that is as tight or as loose as you want to make it.

Some people enjoy a bit of spanking to add spice in the bedroom, some spend hours doing intricate wraps with expensive Japanese rope. There are people who combine sex and BDSM, and there are people who consider it two totally different things.

Exploring kink, many people start off learning some skills, or sharing some things they enjoy with their partner, and then wonder how to integrate it into something larger. Having a plan can not only eliminate that stop/start feeling of “now we’re switching on the kinky, now we’re turning it off”, it can also enhance the things that you already know you enjoy doing, placing them into a context, building anticipation and leveraging on them to explore something else.

CONSENT AND COMMUNICATION

The kink community is (rightfully) big on communication, negotiation and consent, but it’s not one-size-fits-all and you need to make judgements about what best suits you (both) and what feels right in your situation.

Generally, if you don’t know your partner very well, or you’re exploring new things for the first time, it’s going to be very important for you to talk first. A mistake new Dominants/Tops often make is to think that mystery and “not revealing too much” are tools of control they can use to enhance their role. And, a mistake that new submissives/bottoms often make is thinking that they shouldn’t put forward their own desires (or even limits) because it somehow lessens their “submission”. Many bad experiences have started with this kind of thinking.

It’s often the case that people who know each other well, and have built high levels of trust, don’t talk all that much first. That’s legitimate too. Just be confident that you know where all the boundaries are and you know how you will be communicating during your play (with tools such as safewords, for example). Most importantly, be sure you are clear on what consent has been exchanged. Even if your partner is your husband or wife, consent nearly always has limits and trust can be badly damaged if you don’t know where those limits are.

Putting aside negotiation and consent (you’ve got this!), one thing that is also often worth discussing is what KIND of scene you want. I don’t mean what tools you’ll be using or activities will be occurring, but whether it will be a collaborative scene with both of you suggesting and giving feedback and exploring, or whether it will be a scene where the Top takes charge and leads everything. They’re very different expectations, and it gives you a framework for how to interact.

Again, there is sometimes a misconception by new Dominants/tops and submissives/bottoms that kink is something a Dom or Top does “to their partner”. It’s not, it’s something you do together. Sometimes you might enact it in a more one-sided way, but if you consider the dynamic to be one person’s responsibility then you are setting yourselves up for disappointment.

A BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND END

I like to start my scenes with a period of sensory isolation. I use it as a transition from the busy noisy world to something more intimate. Sometimes I’ll use accessories like blindfolds, but it can be as simple as placing my partner somewhere and going off to take a shower or prepare my equipment.

I like to think holistically about the “staging” of what I am doing because I enjoy the idea of engaging all the senses. For me, that includes lighting, music, the warmth of the room, scent, and the visuals that my partner will see (such as me, and the way I am dressed).

Then I will start slow and build intensity. Activities that establish the “exchange” or “control” are good at the beginning, if that is going to be part of your play. Use the things you do to establish the language you are going to use and the way you are going to interact. Set the parameters by correcting and adjusting.

“Warmup” is often interpreted as the time when you go light with your tools — the soft flogger before the stingy one comes out — and of course that’s important too. But, it’s also an excellent time to make clear the expectations and patterns of the scene. Everyone is more confident and relaxed when they know what is expected of them, so it is at this point that you can instil that confidence.

Take your time and don’t rush things. It’s a little like when you stand up to talk in front of a group and realise you are talking 100-miles-an-hour. Scenes have a far greater tendency to go too quickly and feel rushed than of going too slowly and boring anybody. You don’t have to fill every 10-second gap with a new activity. Set a nice rhythm and play off your partner’s responses to alter the tempo up and down when you want to. It’s another thing you can control.

I’m not going to suggest what you should do in the middle. You’ve got your pleasures, I’ve got mine. What you have done is created an energy and connection.

You’ll fumble some, some things will work, some won’t. And part of what you’ll be doing is building a repertoire of things you know how to do, learning when and how to bring them out and use them. And the learning is so damn much fun.

Something I do suggest — and you can take it under advisement and ignore me, because it’s your scene and you can do what you want — is to keep your hand off your private parts until the end, and focus on your partner instead. Of course, that might include using your partner on your private parts. But, what I’m trying to say is: Focus your energy outwards. Channel it into what you are doing. Believe me, your partner will feel that energy and your status as a Dom/Top will skyrocket.

Which brings us to the winding down. Again, it’s often interpreted as going light with your tools, and that can be the case if that is your plan (though a session might equally end on an intense note with or without a puddle of juices and a “holy f***!”).

Don’t be the douche who gets up and goes to another room to turn the TV on. Maybe your partner wants to be touched now, maybe they don’t. If they don’t, tidy your tools up and stay close-by. The scene might have appeared to have ended, but it hasn’t really.

The neuroscience of BDSM still has some fuzzy edges, but it is well-known and widely-accepted that your partner (and yourself) have just been through some intense body-brain-experiences and your body will be flooded with neurochemicals for some time afterwards. One of those is probably oxytocin (which helps us bond with our partners), and there is adrenaline, endorphins and probably many others.

It’s an emotionally delicate time, and it can have potential downsides (subdrop) and also potential upsides (great feelings of closeness). Use it as an opportunity. Aftercare is important. Tend to your partner, focus your energy outward, and again… your status as a Dom/Top will skyrocket.