I’ve been having a little kink social media fatigue lately (and by that, I mean Fetlife). Nothing that a block of dark chocolate and some sunshine won’t cure.

What has been making me tired is the stress emanating from a lot of people new to kink, and the stress I feel reflected back to them by others when they ask questions.

I’ll be the first to agree that a certain amount of knowledge is needed when you start out, and so some research is needed. It would be potentially dangerous to launch yourself into a kink situation without understanding at least the basics of negotiation and safety. And, I understand that the deeper in you go, the more complex the questions become. Exploring your own identity, navigating power dynamics, understanding others who are not the same as us… these can be deep topics.

But, I don’t think that should be a cause for stress. To be honest, you can begin getting involved in kink with very little background. You don’t need an encyclopaedic knowledge of any particular aspect, and you don’t need to have labelled yourself and filed yourself in a neat box. Really, all you need is a sense of adventure and an understanding of how to keep yourself safe.

It’s understandable that a newbie might feel daunted by the vast amount of stuff they don’t know, and how that might lead to a scramble for “book knowledge” before moving forward. But, I think this is then exasperated by many in the community who spend a lot of time thinking about kink in an academic, text-based way. It makes sense because it’s really what we all do on the internet. We’re removed from the physical experience and we’re thinking about more detached and abstract concepts.

So, instead of the warmth of human connection, which is really what kink is about, it seems to be full of complexity — rules, warnings, technical expertise, ways to do things wrong, hairline differences between X and Y.

There is nothing wrong with intellectualising a topic. But, when it’s the pervasive pattern swirling around you it’s easy to lose sight of the more human aspects of the experience, and the reason you started exploring it in the first place.

As Race Bannon says in Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks:

Yes, enough knowledge and experience to play safely and enjoyably is needed, but technique takes a back seat to connection… If it’s not fun, why bother? BDSM is not supposed to be “work” or rigid or mired in countless sets of rules or checklists. Go with the flow and enjoy yourself and at the same time focus on your play partners also having the most fun possible.