The temperature in a room usually drops a couple of degrees when training is mentioned. It can leave many people who identify as M/s or D/s mystified. Common reactions include “BDSM is between adults, why would any intelligent person require training?” and “the only thing he ever needed to teach me was how he takes his coffee”.

It’s worth peeking at a couple of terms in Fetlife’s BDSM Glossary Group to discuss why this reaction is so common.

discipline (see reward, punishment): Any activity in which one person trains another person to act or behave in a specified way, often by enforcing rigid codes of conduct or by inflicting punishment for failure to behave in the prescribed way.

training: (1) Instruction by a more experienced member of the community in various aspects of BDSM (see Mentoring). (2) Education and discipline of a submissive. May refer to the entire program a Dominant employs to condition his/her submissive; or to individual disciplines, such as pony training, toilet training, etc. Offers of “training” are often misused to lure inexperienced submissives into a D/s relationship without proper negotiations.

BDSM includes Discipline separately to Dominance and Submission for a reason. The usual Venn diagram applies — there is crossover between those into Discipline and those into D/s, but they are separate aspects of kink and people into one aren’t necessarily into the other.

In general, I’ve found that people into Discipline are probably also involved in M/s or D/s dynamics, but not vice versa.

I have a confession to make. I (very) unfairly label a certain kind of M/s and D/s as “soft”. It’s a large and vocal part of the community, and as BDSM has opened up and become more and more inclusive, this is the portion that has grown the most. It’s the 1950s traditional households and those who call their relationship dynamic M/s with very little to distinguish it from a regular relationship.

I apologise, and I know it’s unfair. I respect everyone’s right to label their relationship in any way they want to, and if they feel affinity and a sense of community within kink then more power to them. I come from some pretty old traditions, and my own dynamic is based on that.

Anyway, having got that confession out of the way, I think there are several reasons that training is misunderstood:

• It is a conscious exercise of the power differential between two people. Many people enjoy a more egalitarian relationship and may not understand why someone would want this to be more unequal.
• D/s is a relationship dynamic. Discipline is something we do — a kink or fetish. They’re not substitutes and it could just be that it’s not your kink.
• Many people identify on the sensual or caring side of the spectrum and enjoy the erotic side of BDSM. Discipline is commonly not “sensual”. Punishment is not punishment if it is not negative and it can often veer into the area of SM. It’s really not for everyone.
• It is a common mistake of newbie Doms (and skeevy predator-types) to jump on “training” as the way to exert Dominance, without understanding what it is. This has made it something of a red flag.

So, to be clear… Discipline is something completely separate from Dominance. You are either into it or you are not, but in the spirit of YKINMKBYKIOK I think it does show a certain ignorance about the diversity of the kink lifestyle to launch into “we’re all adults, why would you want to do that?” lectures. It might just turn someone on, and that is reason enough.

Of course, there are other reasons (or additional reasons) you might consider using training in your relationship:

• It can provide structure and direction. An example of this is the techniques suggested in the B.E.S.T. slave Training Guide.
• Your partner may want to make changes in him/herself and want help in doing that.

Discipline and training is a powerful manifestation of control in a relationship, but you shouldn’t be relying on it for that purpose. If you are, then it could be signalling a need to learn more about Dominance. It’s a tool, it’s not a relationship dynamic, and like any tool it is best used for specific and considered purposes.

If there is consent, you understand why you are using training, you understand how you are using training and it enhances the enjoyment and satisfaction in your relationship, then it sounds right for you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

And, if you don’t understand why someone would want to do that, that’s OK, you don’t need to.