You might think you are the most Domly Dom to ever have Dommed, but here’s a news flash: you’re not. Sorry, but with so many “Alphas” inhabiting the kink scene, not everyone can sit at the top of the BDSM food chain.

There are certainly a few valid ways to use the term “Alpha”. It’s part of the lexicon for those into pup/wolf/primal dynamics. The more dominant pup is commonly the Alpha in a pack.

There are also a few ways that submissives use the term. If you dream of living in a world like Laura Antoniou’s Marketplace series, then you might use Alpha in a description of a hierarchy of submissives under a Dominant. It’s also sometimes used by submissives who like to top but don’t like the label “Switch”.

But, there’s really no valid way to string together “Alpha Male” or “Alpha Dominant” in a way that’s not going to rub a lot of people the wrong way. You might have a personal meaning for the term that resonates with you, but what everyone else is going to hear is “I’m better than all the others”, and what they’re going to think is “douchebag”.

In general, I think Alpha (meaning “uber”) is a term mostly used by the new and the stupid. Sometimes, men who are new to Dominance get caught in a kind of masculinity trap. It’s a version of the old “real men don’t need maps” joke. They feel that to be Dominant means to be in control at all times, and to admit that they’re new, or need guidance, is to show a fatal non-Domly flaw.

That’s a really tough facade to keep up, and it misses the point of what Dominance actually is. As a Dominant, you are wielding the power and control of a submissive who has consented to give you that authority. And to do that requires an understanding of, and confidence in, yourself. If you think that admitting you don’t have all the answers yet is a sign of weakness, then you’re going to mess up and keep messing up, and how can someone trust you enough to give you that kind of authority when you’re not being honest with yourself or them?

If you really think you need to shine a light on how you’re extra-specially Dominant or Masculine. then what you are doing is highlighting your insecurities, or at the very least that you don’t think all that deeply. And if you think that you need to strut, pose and one-up in a room with other Dominants to prove your worth, you’re likely to come off as more Asshole than Alpha.