I think it’s time we had a few words about mentor-type Doms, but I don’t want to be too harsh. They really are the nice-guys of our communities, and as the saying goes, “it’s the thought that counts”.

You’ll know the ones I mean. They believe their role as Dominant is to guide their submissive into being a better person.

Now, within relationships, and I mean any ongoing committed relationship whether it’s D/s or vanilla, this is certainly one of the many things that partners usually do for each other. We nurture and encourage and embolden our other, and it brings out the best in them and in ourselves. At least, we hope it works that way.

But, that’s not quite the same as the Dominant who sees it as a duty brought on by his sexual role. And you can’t help but notice these well-meaning Doms in communities, because they frame everything they say in this fog of politically correct and fashionable “growth language”. They are Dominant, life coach and therapist, all rolled into one.

But honestly, here’s the thing. Your sexual preference doesn’t raise your EQ. It doesn’t make you better at life than someone who identifies as submissive. It doesn’t qualify you as a therapist or a life coach.

Control and authority are exchanged in D/s relationships, so yes, we hope you are making considered, intelligent, compassionate decisions for all the right reasons. But, your submissive didn’t have any part of their brain removed when they became yours, so really you’re two imperfect people orbiting each other. Where did this idea that you needed to teach your submissive how to be a better person come from?

In D/s relationships there is often something that goes under the label of “training”. The Dom teaches the sub what pleases him and the boundaries that the relationship will operate within (the rules, protocol and conduct) are negotiated and set. There’s as many different ways that this happens as there are relationships, and it’s a process that most D/s and M/s people enjoy. It’s an expression of our sexuality, it’s fun, it’s hot and it’s an important reason why we choose the types of relationships we choose.

But, teaching your submissive the way you like your coffee served, or how to dress or kneel to your liking, is not the same as putting them on the couch and saying “let’s look at the ways I can improve your life”.

In and of itself, this version of white-knighting isn’t a terrible thing. The intentions are good, and mentor-type Doms are usually not assholes. But, the mythology that it’s somehow the good-Dom thing to do is built on shaky foundations.

Your job isn’t to teach your sub how to live a better life, it’s to build a D/s relationship that sizzles for both of you, so why are you putting all that added pressure on yourself?