So, my subby dating-app-using friend, is that torso pic and list of things you want done to you not getting the results you were hoping for? Clearly your bait is irresistible, so why aren’t the alpha fish biting?
Let’s take a look at a few of the common reasons.
YOU SAY YOU’RE A SUB BUT YOUR PROFILE SAYS OTHERWISE
In leather circles (and in kink circles in general), we distinguish between bottoms, masochists and submissives:
A bottom is a physical role. It’s a negotiated bedroom-only role that may or may not involve pain (or any kinky play at all), and is usually just to do with who “does” and who is “done to”.
A masochist has elements of a bottom, but will include painful physical or mental sensations caused by a sadist in the scene.
A submissive desires a power exchange with a dominant partner. The primary playing grounds for Dominance/submission is in the mind.
These roles are not static, and they do cross over. If you are one of those things it doesn’t mean you can’t be another as well, and the combinations can be complex. You can, for example, be a dominant bottom. But, the point is that words have meaning. Many Dominants find it off-putting to read the profile of a “submissive” who is clearly actually a masochist looking for a sadist.
YOU WANT TO RE-ENACT PORN
There’s nothing wrong with porn, but what you’re seeing is a finished image that probably had a lot of work behind it. Those shibari ties look great in the pictures, but the rigger and the model are probably professionals, and that great dungeon location with perfect lighting wasn’t stumbled upon by accident.
Porn is made for you to consume with no effort. Dominant/submissive relationships require work by both parties. If you’re just looking for someone to hit you and fuck you, then you’re not looking for a D/s relationship, so don’t confuse the two.
YOU MAKE NO EFFORT
If you’re getting frustrated that Doms are not falling all over your dick pic, and the conversation is not getting far beyond “hi, what are you into?”, then it’s worth checking on your social skills. Not every hookup needs them, but a lot of Doms will test the connection before they meet, and if you can’t be bothered stringing two sentences together, then they will move on.
Even if it’s just a no-strings-attached hookup, we’re quite often looking for a partner who is fun, perky, or at least shows a few signs of life.
YOU DON’T THINK YOU NEED TO MAKE AN EFFORT
Related closely to just making no effort because you just can’t be bothered exercising your social skills is making no effort because you’re expecting a decent Dominant/submissive relationship to just drop into your lap.
Like any type of relationship, it’s going to take work for you to find compatibility. No effort, no reward.
If you want to be with someone who you like, and who treats you well, and who you treat well, where you both press each other’s hot sex and BDSM buttons, it’s a LOT to ask of someone. It should be a long vetting process, and assuming the other person is looking for something similar, it’s a long vetting process by them too.
Not everyone is going to find you the right partner, and you shouldn’t get butt-hurt about that, because assumably you are not going to find everyone the right partner either.
You might fancy yourself as catch-of-the-day, but believe me, if you don’t put in some work then the good ones will move on to others who do. And, who will that leave you with?
FURTHER READING
• Bustle – 7 Signs Your Date Is Objectifying You
• Art Net News – Artist Gets Revenge By Reverse-Objectifying Online Dating Creeps
• Odyssey – Sexual Objectification, Existentialism and Grindr?
• Philip Dalgarno – The Perpetuation of Hegemonic Masculinity on Grindr