Observations on Fisting: A Personal Journey

by Andrew H.

What connects fisting to BDSM? Very simply, it is a power exchange. What elevates it beyond other power exchanges is that a man physically places his life, his very being, in the hand of another man. And whether fisting is part of a larger BDSM scene, or an activity in and of itself, its success always boils down to two primary words: trust and surrender.

It involves sexplay that is safe, sane and consensual at the utmost level. As a top, you literally have someone’s life in your hands; as a bottom, you have put your life in someone’s hands. So the context of your play must be complete trust. You cannot do this otherwise.

It is the ultimate surrender, but at the same time it is a cooperative venture, not just something that a top does to a bottom. It is a convergence of two individuals into a sense of being one, where the top’s shape conforms to the bottom’s shape, where the bottom lets go of a sense of where he ends and where the top begins, a melding of body, mind and spirit.

THE FISTING EXPERIENCE

I first fisted someone in 1972, and got fisted for the first time in 1973. The intensity of fisting changed the way I think of myself sexually. It merged my sexuality with my spirituality. My experiences in fisting have been some of the highest spiritual times of my life. Through fisting, I discovered the duality of my sexuality, the simultaneous male/femaleness of myself, the coexistence of my yin and yang.

There’s something quite awesome that happens in fisting, when someone takes you inside them, or when you accept someone’s arm inside yourself. Unless you’ve done it, you may find it hard to believe.

As a top, you get to witness a miraculous transformation on the bottom’s face and a visible glow around him, like an aura, as the two of you are communing. You may see the angelic newborn child as well as the timeless, ageless inner spirit revealed, and at the same time, you are joined together in this intense visceral animal passion. In the throes of ecstasy, a rebirth takes place before your very eyes.

As a fisting bottom, you may experience the thrill of anal orgasm, sometimes with ejaculation, often without erection, having your orgasm just flow out of you. You may experience more intense, more prolonged, multiple orgasms.

In life, we all continually hold our anal sphincters tight, even when we sleep. Our sphincters may never be fully relaxed until we experience being fisted. They’re naturally relaxed as infants, but then, as we grow up, we are trained to hold them tense and guarded all the time. And it affects our outward behavior, our outlook on life. So relaxing the sphincter is a way of surrendering to the universe, a letting-go of the ego, allowing ourselves to be ultimately vulnerable.

THE POWER EXCHANGE OF FISTING

The emerging popularity of fisting in the BDSM scene in the ’70s blurred the line between top and bottom, probably more so than any other activity. It triggered a major exception to traditional role-playing, of BDSM tops as well as bottoms getting fisted.

The power exchange of fisting is subtle. Even in long-term relationships where partners know each other intimately, there is no real place for blatant or bombastic power trips when engaging in fisting. While the top may present the illusion that he is in charge, there must be a tacit acknowledgment of the union of the partners: They are connected both physically and spiritually, and wherever they are going, they are going there together.

Most fisting players will readily agree that fisting is “mind over matter.” True, a bottom’s butt needs to be opened up physically. But to get there requires the bottom’s mental permission. So initially, the top must establish channels of communication, both verbal and non-verbal, and create an atmosphere of trust that will enable the bottom to let go. The power of psychologically motivating the bottom to want to receive you in him is the key that unlocks the door. From there, one must use a very non-agenda’d, non-aggressive technique to allow the bottom to relax and open up. It should never be forced. It has to come from relaxation.

ALLOWING THE FISTING BOTTOM TO SURRENDER THEMSELVES

Breathing is the most critical function to human life, but we tend to take it for granted because it’s usually involuntary. Many of us often overlook the power and effects of how we breathe. For example, think of how much more you get out of your exercise regimen when you consciously and fully breathe. In s/m, when we play, slow and steady deep breathing, especially for bottoms, not only helps bring oxygen into all of our cells, thereby energizing us, but it also enables us to consciously relax, to focus, to use our power more fully, and to feel our aliveness that much more deeply.

For a fisting bottom, deep breathing is a formidable aid, helping to create an almost meditative state, calming and exhilarating at the same time. It’s empowering, since the bottom knows that through his own breath, he is the source of his surrender, rather than thinking that he must rely on some external substance or force to do so.

Try taking a deep breath and holding it in. Notice how it makes you hold everything tight. Now let it out, with a rush of exhalation, and notice how you are letting go of all the tension in your body as you do that. It’s at that point of exhalation, of surrender, when you are most open and receptive (and vulnerable).

A bottom who is ready to receive your hand will likely take you in, rather than let you, the top, aggressively put your hand in. If the bottom has clearly communicated (verbally and non-verbally) that he is open, that he wishes to physically connect, that moment of exhalation is the easiest moment of entry. A deft top will tune in to the bottom’s breathing rhythm. So when the bottom exhales, in that instant of his greatest relaxation and surrender, it is the top’s ideal cue to respond, to then let the bottom take him in.

ADVICE FOR THE FISTING TOP

Once the top is inside the bottom and the two of you are connected, the intense, euphoric sensations can take the bottom off-balance, making him feel like he’s experiencing heaven and hell, agony and ecstasy, simultaneously. Remember that once past the anus, there are no nerve endings inside. What the bottom is reacting to is pressure. The top should want to go slowly at first, to allow the bottom to become acclimated to the new heights of sensation. Some bottoms will want the top to “let it bake,” i.e. hold still; others will urge the top to “come up for air,” i.e. have him come all the way out and then go right back in.

Tops, be particularly attentive to the expression on the bottom’s face once you are in him. For me as a top, this is a wondrous moment. You are very likely to see the bottom in a visible state of altered consciousness, that transformation I mentioned earlier. As often as I have topped, this experience never ceases to amaze me. And it is different every time and with every one.

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOUR DICK

How did I first get into it? “It’s not about your dick. Leave your dick alone!” Those were the words of my first lover, 27 years ago, when he turned me from a “cocksucker” into an “asshole.” And in the course of this process, I also turned on to the sensuality of other parts of my body, including my nipples and my balls.

It was a classic case of mind over matter. I surrendered to someone I was devoted to. He eroticised my butt, making it my primary erotic focus. He began by having me focus on his butt, showing me what was possible. However, the concept of a hand-up-a-butt when I was 22 years old was hard to grasp, almost unbelievable.

One night he did a head-trip on me by telling me that I had to get shit out of his asshole by whatever means possible. (He was clean as a whistle but I didn’t know that.) Ultimately, when nothing else (fingers, cock, dildoes) would produce any shit, it meant putting my hand up his butt. Suddenly, it made it real to me that this could be done.

He used fingers to massage my butt-hole, without any intention of going further. He made enemas both a pleasurable and a humbling experience. On several occasions, he made “dildo soup” by taking a very large pot filled with warm water, putting it on the stove over a very low flame, and then loading it with a variety of dildos. It was a way of getting me used to what I initially perceived as foreign objects. The warmth of those rubber dicks up my ass made them feel more flesh-like, so it was easier to suspend my disbelief. They felt like real cocks, only larger. As I got comfortable with one, he would introduce others that were bigger, and so on, until I was so turned on to being open, deep and wide, that it felt natural and desirable to be so open.

It did not feel unmasculine to be open that way; rather, it felt ultra-masculine to be so giving, for one man to be so willing to offer his insides, his anything and everything, to his man. So that when the time came to receive his hand, his fist, his arm, I was ready and willing. Mind over matter!

CAN FISTING AND CHEM-SEX MIX?

Back in the days when I first got involved in this scene, mind-altering drug use was quite common, and it seemed as if drugs were necessary in order to participate in this kind of play. I have to say that I had fun experimenting with drugs back then, and I was fortunate in that I did not have any physiological addiction issues to deal with.

Initially, I saw the drugs as tools to enable me to quickly get “there” from “here,” though I recognized that there was great risk of harm involved as well. Over time, I found that my mind and body had learned the psychic and physical skills of “opening up,” so that I needed less and less chemical assistance to get to that place. Also, I began to see that the drugs were getting in the way of the experience, keeping me from being present with myself and with my partners. For that reason, I found it desirable to eliminate the use of chemical enhancements.

It was a breakthrough, and I am grateful to the men I’ve played with who motivated me and showed me the way. Would I be where I am right now, in relation to this, if I had not experimented with drugs? I don’t know. However, I recognize that all my past experiences have contributed to making me who I am today; all of it has been valuable.

YOUR BODY DOESN’T FORGET

Coming back to life and to the scene after being away for an extended period of time (non-kinky relationship, loss, health crisis, etc.), I was astounded to discover that my mind and body were still capable of “going there” on their own steam. The night I got fisted again, after 16 years of inactivity, it was not planned. I was simply open for possibilities, and my partner sensed it. It blew me away that, like bicycling or swimming, my mind and body never lost the know-how! And it continues to amaze me how I am able to use my body’s own psychic and physical powers to go to the places of sensation and spiritual communion that s/m activities, and fisting in particular, provide.

It has been a remarkable journey thus far. However, I feel it’s not enough to have been blessed with the gifts of insights of my experiences. They’re not truly of value unless I turn around and share them, to whatever degree that is possible. So I am devoted to contributing my awareness and understanding in support of my comrades-in-arms on their own journeys of discovery and growth!

Deviance & Desire