Coming Out as Kinky - Open or Closeted in Public?

It’s said that kinky gay guys have two coming outs. First there’s coming out as gay, then, for some of us, there’s coming out as non-vanilla. Of course, neither of those processes are compulsory, that’s our choice.

I’m oversimplifying, of course. I’m a gay, leather-identifying sadistic Dom in a polyamorous relationship. Close friends who’ve known me a long time sometimes roll their eyes at my latest passions and say “Really? That’s a thing now?”

And I don’t mean to suggest that straight people are let off the hook either. If kink is a serious part of your lifestyle, then you’ve got coming out decisions to make too.

I’m not just talking about coming out to friends and family. In public we have choices in many situations about how much we reveal or conceal about ourselves. It could be the Dominance/submission in your relationship, or your own role or identity in BDSM and kink (leather, collars and other identifiers). How much are you willing to show or hide?

Whenever this topic comes up in discussion, at least one person will comment that “the public hasn’t consented to witnessing your dynamic/kink”.

There’s some truth in that, but to some extent it’s a repeat of the shame in the 70s where gays told other gays to be invisible for the same kinds of reasons.

The thing is, even now in 2016, there is something of a social contract to being gay. It’s loosened up a lot over the decades but it hasn’t disappeared entirely. I’ll give my partner a kiss goodbye in public, but I’ve seen young hetro couples wrap themselves around each other like octopuses (octopi?) and I wouldn’t do that in most environments. Not because I couldn’t, but because it breaks a kind of implicit out-of-bounds marker. It’s more than some people want to deal with, and because it makes them uncomfortable it makes me uncomfortable.

But, it’s a really grey area. Seeing me hold hands is something that’s more than some people want to deal with, but that doesn’t stop me. It’s left to me to decide what levels are “too bad, get over it” and what to censor.

Kink’s the same I think. Leather in public? Sure. Diapers and sippy cups in public? You’re going to scare the villagers. Parents are going to have to explain it to their children. Who knows where that line is drawn?

It’s an interesting question, and to complicate it further, I think for me the answer fluctuates to some degree. Some days I am fine to scare the villagers a little, maybe even get a bit of a kick out of it, and other days not so much. It depends on how much energy I want to spend that day on educating other people. How much hassle am I willing to deal with for my deviance versus how much is it worth to me to be left alone today?

And how important is it to you? For some people, being kinky is not like being gay. It’s not part of any core identity and it’s optional and easy to switch on and off. For others it is… probably harder actually, at least with respect to being understood by others or finding a compatible partner. Most people “get” gay sexuality these days, but try telling someone you’re TPE/CNC oriented and you’re probably in for a lengthy explanation.

The key is to try to find a balance, I think. Be a good citizen, but don’t be a repressed citizen. Be considerate of others, but don’t feel like you have to bury your individuality. And try not to do anything you could get arrested for.

Photography by Travis Chantar

Deviance & Desire

Coming Out as Kinky – Open or Closeted in Public?

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