We often use the term “BDSM community”, “kink community” or “lifestyle” for convenience, but the fact is that there is no BDSM community in the singular sense. We are a thousand separate tribes with different opinions, customs, ideals and beliefs. A united voice doesn’t exist, though we often pretend, for convenience, that it does.
WHY FORM COMMUNITIES?
Why do we group together in this way? The most obvious reason is that we, as humans, are social animals. In addition to the family unit, we naturally organise ourselves into social groups, tribes, states, nations, and so on. We do that for a lot of reasons, and at the state and nation level it is often about security and protection from perceived threats. At the social group level it is usually about our need for belonging, which can be hard to fill in our current society. We want to share with people we see as being “like minded” and we want to feel part of a larger community.
A group of red-heads can get together and form the “ginger club”, complete with a flag, an anthem and a central leader who spouts hatred for the brunette menace, and that’s very much about shared traits. But, a BDSM community is more than that. It is a way for people to socialise and share skills and knowledge, at munches, play parties and larger events, and that is very important. For many people they are also a form of safety.
SHIFTING THE SAFETY ODDS IN THE PLAYER’S FAVOUR
The safety advantages of meeting people and experimenting with various types of BDSM play through munches and play parties is very real, particularly for those who are young, inexperienced and submissive.
I’m not saying that being in group situations makes everything “safe”, and in fact one in three kinksters reported a concent violation in a National Coalition for Sexual Freedom self-reporting consent survey. There are no guarantees. But, it makes sense that if you start yelling “red” in a room of 20 or 30 people, you have a much greater chance of intervention than you would one-on-one.
The safety of numbers is not important for everyone. Most people don’t have a problem finding a partner to do kinky BDSM stuff with, and many couples explore and play just fine. If your style is to take your time to get to know someone and date and build a relationship before getting the ropes and chains out, then there is no real safety advantage in being part of a kink community. But, if you’re interested in many different play partners, then the chance of encountering abuse is much greater, and community groups can be an effective short-cut for safety.
IS THERE A BDSM COMMUNITY?
Kinksters are a notoriously diverse bunch of people. As an umbrella, BDSM covers a lot of ground, from diaper loving baby boys to hardcore Sadists. Yet surprisingly, we do manage to unite on many levels, from our own sub-sub-niche-sub-communities to larger more general groupings. Some of our concerns and values are narrow and specific to ourselves and those most like us, and some, such as consent, cover much wider ground.
There are various needs that a BDSM community (can) help to fulfill:
• social needs to gather with like-minded people
• learning needs
• safety needs
Ultimately, we all deal with these three things in our own way.
We have communities online, such as FetLife, and offline, and we are able to choose to what degree we wish to participate in these. Many people have no inclination to go to a local munch or play party, or to travel to San Francisco for Folsom, or to be a Mr Leatherman contestant. And that’s OK.
Others find a lot of value in participating in some form of BDSM community, and some find reward in devoting significant time and resources to it. And that’s OK too.
FURTHER READING
• Social News Daily – Don’t Suck at FetLife, or A Guide to Kinky Social Media Sites
• The Daily Dot – Why I Left the BDSM Community
• Huffington Post – Dear BDSM Community: Your Fifty Shades of Complaining Isn’t Productive
• Queer Queries – BDSM Communities and the Intersection of Queerness
• Leontii Holender (Man Love Authors) – BDSM I – History & Community
• Misty Nicole Luminais (WSU) – In the Habit of Being Kinky: Practice and Resistance in a BDSM Community, Texas, USA