This is part 2 of a 2 part article on PTSD and panic attacks.
Part 1: 2 Ways to Deal with PTSD and Panic Attacks
Part 3: When the Dominant or Master has PTSD or Panic Attacks

You might also like a previous article on this site, A Dom’s Guide to Panic Attacks and BDSM (by a humble, hungry sub), which discusses panic attacks from the viewpoint that playing though them can sometimes be what a submissive wants and can be an intense, therapeutic and bonding experience.

COPING WITH PANIC ATTACKS DURING A BDSM SESSION

The Golden 30 Second Rule we talked about in Part 1, for coping with panic attacks when they are starting, might not be practical when we are involving in a kinky session or a role-play scene.

The reason is that when you are under control during a BDSM session you have given that control to your Dominant. It’s hard to disobey your Dominant in the middle of an intense flow of energy. It might physically not even be possible, especially if you are tied-up. How do you use the Golden 30 Second Rule and walk away when you do not have any will, choice and control over your body?

So, finding a coping mechanism can be trickier if you are likely to panic during a BDSM session.

i’m going to suggest two ways of dealing with a panic attack during a scene, based on my own personal experience. They may not be ideal for you, or you may need to modify them.

i’m identifying trust and whether the partnership is one-off or ongoing as the variables between these two methods.

SINGLE SESSIONS AND A ONE-OFF DOMINANT

Negotiation is tricky, and if you know that you are likely to face PTSD or a panic attack during a BDSM session then you should certainly bring it up and talk about it before you start. But, you may never have been triggered during BDSM and it may not be something you are thinking about.

PTSD and panic attacks are complex, and you can’t expect that your Dom will just “know” what is happening, be able to read your signals correctly, or have the knowledge or experience to cope with it. If something triggers trauma during a scene, an enormous amount of responsibility for what happens falls on you. Your Dom is responsible for the scene, but not your past. He may have dealt with something like this before, or he may not. You’re going to need to communicate, and take some control of the situation.

1. Recognising Panic Attacks

When you are battling with some triggered trauma during the session, it is important to tell yourself the following:

• I am having a (PTSD) panic attack
• I’m having negative or delusional thoughts, and I need to redirect them
• This has nothing to do with my Dominant. He has triggered my reaction but he is not the primary source of attack. He summoned my inner demon out, but he is not attacking me.
• I need a reality check right now. I need time and space to process what is happening.

Do you stop the session now? Or do you continue? That’s entirely up to you, but you should ALWAYS have the option of ending a scene immediately. It’s your call.

2. Processing Emotions and Trauma Events

Processing emotions is never easy, and knowing how to process emotions during a BDSM scene can be even harder. When your building is set on fire, you need to know where the exit is and how to get out of the building. However, in a BDSM scene, all the mechanisms are internal, and they can be harder to find.

By all means call your safe word if you’re triggered and stop the scene. Go to a corner to process your emotions, or share them with your Dom.

But, you may not be able to call your safeword. It’s not uncommon that someone overwhelmed with trauma loses control of even a simple function like calling out “red” or “stop”.

Or, you may make a deliberate decision to continue and ride the scene through the panic. It’s intense, but it’s not impossible, and for some of us it’s an amazing rush.

If the scene is not going to end, then you need to find something that allows you to panic, understand that you are trapped, but at the same time know that you are not trapped. It is a delicate process of letting your emotions out, and taking control of them.

In my case, i panic. i lose control, but i stay in control of losing my control by letting myself feel the past trauma and recognising it for what it is. If you let your trauma be in charge, you have lost control of yourself. If you block it by switching of your feelings, you have lost control of the trauma. i want something in the middle, where i’m in control of losing control. i need to do this internally, while the scene is happening.

3. Self-care

Aftercare is probably the most crucial part of the above, but if you are only involved in a one-off session, you may not get long, intensive aftercare. Often, one-off sessions are agreed on a meet-play-part basis. Demanding extra, intensive aftercare from your Dom may not be possible, or it may not be what you want. Of course if you are lucky to have a very caring Dom who notices your mental instability, and is willing to provide that intensive aftercare for you, that might be something you may want to accept.

If it’s not going to happen, or it’s not what you want, you need to be able to perform some self-care. Everyone does that in a different way, be it hot shower, warm chocolate or sweet vanilla ice cream, film marathon or friend gathering. Each to their own, as long as you have your own Mental First Aid Kit that works for you. It’s often not an easy process, but it’s crucial.

It’s likely you’ve just experienced intense subspace + trauma-space, even more complex if it’s PTSD, and you’ll need to ask yourself:

• Why was i feeling so intense?
• Where am I physically at?
• Where am I mentally at?
• How can i get over it and get back on the reality track?

Probably, the most difficult part is to rebuild the connection with your current world, even if your mind is still floating, and bring your dog for a walk, go for a film, go for a swim, eat well or do whatever it is for recovery. Getting your physical body back to doing the things that you normally do in everyday life, will also help your mind to land safely on the ground.

If you’re going to see your Dom again, it is important to communicate with him, including listening to his perspective. What does He think about how the session went? Having another perspective to the scene will help you gain a alternative understanding of your space. Be honest, understanding and willing to accept a perspective that is completely different than yours.

And, don’t be afraid to express your own needs, such as asking for more aftercare and support. Be open in explaining the situation to your Dom, and don’t let this hold you back from the future sessions.

ONGOING D/S GROWTH – PANIC ATTACKS WITH YOUR REGULAR DOM

It’s going to seem odd to say this, but with proper communication, PTSD and panic attacks can be an enhancement of D/s power exchange. But, it can also be detrimental to power exchange.

Power exchange is an intense shift of spirituality between two individuals. It dramatically pulls both spirits into two polar power ends. The Dominant and the submissive, the Demand and the demanded, The controller and the controlled. When the spirit is drawn to two ends, it allows energy to bound back to the middle and achieve a sense of intimacy and connectivity. Like a rubber band, when you pull it in opposite directions and release it, the two end meets together and it becomes a very intimate connection.

When panic attacks happen in a session, the submissive gets drawn into the past memory, and pulls further away on the submissive end. If the Dominant is aware of the situation and manages to follow the power, it becomes a super rubber band that has extraordinary elastic. It allows the power exchange to move across the space of time, into the past.

That kind of extraordinary power exchange can give the submissive the ability to reclaim the past.

It can easily backfire though. Keeping with the example of the rubber band, if the submissive pulls hard on their end of the rubber band, and the Dominant doesn’t follow, it can snap back and hurt the submissive, or perhaps the Dominant.

When children play with rubber bands, one holding each end using the same force, if they release it at the same time it hurts no one, but if the timing is off then one of them gets hurt, and aftercare is needed to repair the relationship.

That was a drawn-out simile, but it’s the best way I can describe the dynamic.

How can PTSD or panic attacks be harnessed in the D/s dynamic?

1. Communication is the Key

Communication gets two people on the same page, allowing them to know how the other feels and how to make them feel good. When communication stops flowing, someone needs to create a channel for it. It is always difficult to start a “how am i / how are you feeling?” conversation, especially when two people are involved in an intense flow of power exchange.

But, by beginning to ask each other we are feeling (or have felt) about sessions, we can help to build connection and understanding. We are dealing with something abstract when it comes to power exchange, and abstract ideas require feedback to make sure they’re understood and experienced in the same way. Otherwise, for example, the Dominant may think he is involved in a perfect power exchange, while the submissive may be stuck in the traumatic past.

2. Reclaiming the Past with Your Dom

BDSM sessions expose the most naked part of our soul. Stripped naked, exposing every fragile part of our body to be hurt, it is not just the body that is naked but our mind too. When dealing with a traumatic past, it’s invisible and abstract and it is hard to keep track on where you mind is at. However, if you and your partner find a way to keep track of that, you then have the opportunity to be together, in that traumatic space. Once you and your partner manage to be together in that space, you have a chance to reclaim the trauma event, as it no longer “just” belongs to you, but it belong to you and your partner. As the session ends with a lot of aftercare, it gives you a chance to possibly find closure and reclaim what was haunting you in the past. It’s an opportunity for you and your partner to go back to the event and process it together. Although BDSM is not therapy, it can be therapeutic.

When one feels sad or traumatised from their history, it is normal to talk about it and support each other. i personally don’t see why we have to use the word “therapy” as if giving each other support and care is a form of “therapy” rather than simply being caring and supportive. In the real world, we are not dealing with objective subjects like the psychiatrist does. We all have weaknesses and strengths, we have history and we’re creating our future. When two people get together, it is not just the two people themselves, but all of these things.

The same concept goes into a BDSM session, Power exchange itself is intense, it brings the mind of two people together, and i don’t see the reason to tag it as therapy simply because one of them is traumatised in the past.

AN IMPORTANT LAST NOTE

Providing security to the person who is traumatised or having a panic attack is the most crucial thing in all of the above. Even if you don’t know how to handle an individual with PTSD, simply giving them a hug and reassuring them that they are safe with you, now, can be incredibly important. Do something, act quickly, help them to feel safe during or after the session, try your best to make them feel safe and secure. If they don’t seem to be receiving the message, shove it in their face and make them know that you care for them.

If you are dealing with PTSD alone, you need to try your best to make yourself feel safe. Try to give yourself care and make yourself feel secure. Wrap yourself in a blanket or go for a walk and get some sunlight, find a quiet place and breathe. It takes time and effort to bring yourself out from the past, but you need to do that. Start doing something, read something about psychological responses about PTSD, talk to people who have previously dealt with it. Gaining knowledge to assist yourself is certainly better than being passive and consumed by the darkness.

FURTHER READING

• Pagan BDSM – Practical Tips for what to do when a submissive is having a panic attack
• Daily Kos – How Violent Sex Helped Ease My PTSD
• Deviance and Desire – PTSD/C-PTSD Archives
• Sex, Science and Spirit – Panic Attacks in BDSM Scenes
• Dominant Life – Anxiety and BDSM (for littles)