We’ve extracted this self-evaluation exercise from the book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. It’s a fantastic book, available on Amazon, and a must-read if you’re considering non-monogamy (in any of its many forms). Scroll to the end of the questions for a lot more information about the book.
IS AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU?
If you are considering an open relationship, first evaluate yourself thoroughly and honestly to determine whether venturing beyond monogamy is right for you. Here are some questions for you to contemplate, write about in a journal, or talk about with a friend, partner or therapist:
What are your beliefs about monogamy?
• If you’ve been in monogamous relationships before, how did you feel in those relationships, and how did they work or not work for you?
• Do you believe that someone can love/be in love with more than one person at a time?
• What role does sex play in your relationships? How important is it to you? What does it mean to you?
• Can you have sex without an emotional attachment? How are sex and love related or not related?
• Have you ever had a “fuck buddy” or “friend with benefits”? What worked and didn’t work about the relationship?
If you are currently in a relationship:
• What is the state of the relationship? Does it feel stable and secure?
• What are your most common conflicts with your partner?
• Do both partners want to explore a different structure?
• Do you have sexual needs, desires, and fantasies that aren’t being fulfilled?
Imagine your partner having sex with another person:
It’s important to be brutally honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like.
• What feelings does that bring up?
• What would be your worst fear?
• What would the best-case scenario for this situation look like?
• What would be an absolute deal breaker?
Imagine your partner having a relationship with another person:
It’s important to be brutally honest, not censor yourself, and really let yourself feel what that would be like.
• What feelings does that bring up?
• What would be your worst fear?
• What would the best-case scenario for this situation look like?
• What would be an absolute deal breaker?
How do you handle feelings?
• Do you consider yourself a jealous person? How do you deal with intense feelings like anger, jealousy, and resentment?
• Are you able to determine what your boundaries are and communicate them to others?
• When something is bothering you, do you more often keep it to yourself or share it?
• Do you have the ability to communicate openly and honestly, even about difficult issues?
• When conflict arises, how do you usually handle it?
How available are you?
• Do you have the time to nurture and grow more than one love relationship?
• Do you have the energy to devote to several different people and juggle multiple lovers?
• Do you have access to potential partners who have nonmonogamy experience and strong relationship skills?
• Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to be in an open relationship?
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
by Tristan Taormino
Available on Amazon
Whether you’re single and looking to remain non-monogamous, thinking about opening up an existing relationship or already in a relationship that’s polyamorous, don’t let anyone tell you it’s easy, because it’s not. It requires maturity, and a lot of honesty with yourself and others.
This is a book I wish I’d discovered a few years ago, because even though I’ve tried to be ethical and wise in my relationships, looking back on them now I think there are many things I could have done better.
The self-evaluation exercise above is from an early chapter in the book, which is divided into three parts.
Choosing an Open Relationship – has chapters that look at whether an open relationship is for you and what important things make them work.
Styles of Open Relationships – Looks at the differences between partnered non-monogamy, swinging, polyamory and polyfidelity, the various pluses and minuses of each and which might be the right style for you. It doesn’t just touch on these briefly, there are 6 chapters devoted to different types of poly relationships. It also looks at hierarchical and non-hierarchical poly, non-primary partners, non-sexual poly and the spectrum of monogamous/non-monogamous and mono/poly combinations that exist in the world.
Creating and Sustaining Your Relationships – is the largest of the sections, and deals with the many challenges and problems that can arise in polyamorous relationships, including intense feelings like jealousy, possessiveness and fear, coming out as poly, raising children, safe sex and legal issues. It looks at some of the common issues poly people deal with, such as time management, communication issues and agreements. And, it looks at the way relationships change and evolve.
Even now, several years into my relationships and a member of various online forums that discuss these issues, I got tremendous value out of many of the chapters in this book. As a journalist, university lecturer and award winning author, Taormino brings incredible insight into her writing, which is supported by more than 120 interviews with people of all ages and persuasions. It’s balanced and sensible, and it goes well beyond the typical platitudes associated with polyamorous relationships, such as “Communicate! Be Honest! Own your feelings!”. It examines topics sensitively and deeply and includes concrete advice on how to approach difficult conversations, disentangle emotional reactions, develop and follow agreements, and respond to change.
It’s not only intelligent writing, it’s engaging too. It’s definitely a must-read for anyone who’s considering, or about to launch into, an open relationship, but there’s lots of thought-provoking discussion about hot-topic issues for seasoned “poly folk” too.