by Becca (shadows-dance)

I think every person’s kink is unique.

Now let me explain myself. 🙂

I think of “kink” as a giant box of Crayolas. We all get one the second we decide that “vanilla” isn’t what we want. Sure, there’s a white crayon in the box, but it’s not our favorite.

BDSM encompasses the primary colors: Bondage & Discipline (red), Dominance & submission (blue), and Sadism & Masochism (yellow.) But the second you start talking to people on your journey, you realize the box has more than three crayons. There are 17 shades of blue, and you can mix blue and red but keep the yellow out… etc. We all get the same box of crayons but we don’t have to color with every single one. I have a good friend, for instance, who has a spanking fetish – she colors with one very specific three or four yellow crayons – spanking, spanking with an implement, spanking with a paddle… but the rest of her crayon box is virtually brand-new.

I personally identify as as masochistic submissive. I like pain paired with submission but don’t necessarily enjoy bondage. Why sub? Why not just Masochism? The best I can figure at this point (about 3 years into my journey) is that I need my pain – and by nature my pleasure – to belong to someone. On the whole, I need to belong to someone. In my crayon analogy, I color with a very specific blue crayon – Daddies are in the “blue” realm but I don’t touch that crayon – and pair it with varying shades of yellow. Because I really like yellow – both as a punishment and just for the sake of it. The yellows and greens are the best-used part of my crayon box.

It’s not quite correct to say that D/s and S&M don’t go well together. They can. My ideal counterpart is a sadistic Dominant – someone who will explore the yellow in the crayon box with me, push my limits, make me scream – but at the same time, take responsibility for me when the scene is complete. He is just as likely to bend to fix my shoe in public as he is to finger me under the dinner table.

Hold your head high. In my mind, the ability to do this is essential in any healthy relationship. The best submissives are self confident submissives. I assert my needs and desires. I look my Dominant in the eye. I’m not a lesser partner; we’re equals. My submission is a gift that I give to him – I’m not kneeling because I think I’m inferior. To kneel is my choice. He knows this. He values this. We do climb the mountain as a team, in constant communication, always talking, always moving together. And I pull as much weight as he does. We each have a responsibility toward our partner to give what they need.

Freedom… I have freedom. I don’t feel captive, not at all. I have asked him to take responsibility for some areas where I lack self-control. Money, for instance. If left to my own devices, I’d be totally broke. I would buy the entirety of Target. So he manages our finances, and I have a spending allowance. This isn’t something he has decreed – it’s something I asked for. It’s something we communicate about regularly. It’s something we used to fight about all the time… and now we don’t. And my allowance is mine. I am free to spend it as I wish; he doesn’t ask for receipts.

I rambled a bit there, but hopefully my thoughts are clear. Bottom line, though: BDSM shouldn’t be dismissed just because you don’t identify with every part of it. The key is finding your place within it – not letting the whole thing swallow you.

Feature image reblogged from http://jamesreads.tumblr.com/post/116416814843

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I like sci-fi and chocolate and beer; I like men and women and laughing with friends.

I’m a submissive. I like discipline and bruises. I like sensory deprivation and restraint.

The two descriptions above are not mutually exclusive; they’re the bedrock I’m building myself on.

I love to philosophize BDSM with others, and to hear about the journeys that led each of us to this point of acceptance – that we are kinky, that we crave something outside the realm of “normal.”

You’ll find more of my writing on FetLife.