by Bob Buckley

In gay male BDSM, the possession of an ego on the part of the topman (or bottom) is not a bad thing in itself – depending on just what type of ego it is. Anyone who has discussed BDSM with me, at any length, almost certainly will have heard me say that the first thing of which any aspiring topman needs to rid himself is his false ego. I repeat it! It is my opinion that one of the major reasons for the abysmal lack of good topmen around the world is that the false ego problems of too many guys prevent them from undertaking the arduous task of learning skills necessary to be accorded “good topman” status. And, as usual, I place a good deal of blame on the stupidities put before aspiring BDSMers in what I have come to call the “Drummer Dogma”.

My objections to the “Drummer Dogma” have been listed in my address to DREIZEHN, Boston, on 14 September 1988. Basically, my claim is that the dogma that developed in the gay male SM world, from magazines such as “Drummer”, neglected the need for developing BDSM expertise in favour of image and attitude cultivation. Topmen were led to believe that they were, or should be, “masters” – and god-like. Such cultivation of image and attitude became the be-all and end-all of the would-be topman’s BDSM development – a development unfortunately concreted by a leather drag peer group pressure.

Today, after years of “Drummer’s” artful propaganda, it is difficult to get aspiring BDSMers to concentrate on the core realities of BDSM. The surface glitter of the leather drag scene holds a strong maintenance of one’s facade (and maintenance is very demanding), no is left for the analytical experience so essential for one’s BDSM development. If the image and attitude practitioner comes to believe that façade construction = real BDSM ability, real disaster can occur.

However, it appears to me that, for the majority of facade constructors, the facade is there partly to mask self-perceptions of inadequacy when these guys come in contact with real BDSM situations. My feeling is that these guys are afraid to be approached for a scene, since the elaborate construction they have undertaken will be revealed for the BDSM sham it is.

From observation, I know a number of these guys will raise their facade higher if they feel challenged to perform in a BDSM scene. This can take the forms of maintaining that the person challenging does not measure up to the exceptional standard with which they are accustomed to work, or they will go ahead in a scene while lacking the basic skills required (or, if they do have some skills, they will attempt a level beyond their competence). This is bad enough, but one of the worst false ego problems is when such guys start believing their own advertising. Both going ahead, when challenged, to maintain one’s facade, and believing one’s own advertising, are false ego recipes for BDSM disaster.

Luckily, most facade constructors do not perform when challenged. But, for those who do go ahead, when the scene turns out to be the inevitable failure, they are not to blame; obviously the fault lies with the bottom. I would prefer that such people stay light years away from a BDSM scene. Unfortunately, they remain around.

When it does happen (no matter how), the aspiring topman will welcome the growth of his new self-regard. This growth will evolve from the growth in his BDSM capabilities (eg. confidence, knowledge, empathy – and proper humility). Certainly his BDSM confidence will rise as his analytical experience grows. He will not need any facade – the facade will be unnecessary as, more and more, he lives in truth.

While I have mentioned false ego dangers from facade constructors, there is a much greater false ego danger. It comes from a good topman; one who has done all the hard work to reach high levels of BDSM proficiency, but who has become so enamoured of his status that he believes the rules apply to him no longer. Basically, he has adopted the “divinity” outlook promulgated by the “Drummer Dogma”. None should ever forget that, the higher one’s ability rises, the MORE the basic strict ethics and rules of BDSM apply. To act in a “divine” manner is to fall away from living in truth. Which is why I mentioned “proper humility” earlier.

But, despite all the foregoing, the lack of good BDSM exponents is not total. Around the world there are men who have put aside false egos and who have shown themselves capable of rising to, and maintaining the levels of, the demands made upon them in their pursuit of proper self-regard – but more are needed.

At “Inferno” each year you can see men in action whose obvious dedication and hard work have given them SM capabilities that make them the cream of BDSM exponents. I will not claim that there are no ego problems at “Inferno”, for even there some “Drummer Dogma” prevails. But aspiring topmen around the world could do a lot worse than to adopt the very high standards of conduct and expertise most of those attending “Inferno” set for themselves.

Why not follow their example? And, while doing so, never forget it is better, and more effective, to be a good topman than it is to be a god topmen.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

The late Bob Buckley was an SM writer, educator and activist who documented leather culture in Australia and around the world. He passed away in 1991, having touched and enriched many people’s lives. His contribution to the community was so great that the annual Sydney Leather Pride Week has a Bob Buckley Memorial Lecture.

Drummer Magazine was an influential gay leather journal, published in the US from 1975 to 1999. Some of the issues have been scanned and uploaded in full and are available on Scribd and the Leather Archives and Museum has a full set of 241 covers on Pinterest.

Chicago Hellfire Club is known for producing Inferno, an invitation only S/M play event held at the close of summer in a private location not far from Chicago. CHC and Inferno celebrated its 43rd year in 2014. Inferno is attended by more than 300 men each year, to engage in play both simple and complicated.

This piece was written in 1988 and the issue remains as relevant today as it was then. It first appeared in S/M Perspectives (Vol 2, Issue 2), independently published in Vancouver by Rainfall Press in 2004.