The languid Dom in a silky robe leans back in his comfortable chair, takes a sip from him coffee and draws on his cigarette. His naked and collared sub moves forward from his kneeling position to take the cup, then backs away and hurries to the kitchen to refresh it.

What we have in that senario is both physical and mental aspects. Physically, the sub is walking gracefully, kneeling and serving. The Dom is relaxing, expecting to be served. Mentally, the Dom is enjoying the anticipation of his needs in the pleasing way that He prefers. The sub is enjoying serving and being on display for his Master.

THE LACK OF PHYSICAL BEING IN THE DOMINANT/SUBMISSIVE DYNAMIC

When D/s transits into long distance D/s, it faces the limitation of lacking the physical aspect within the power exchange. The sub may spend hours putting together a scrapbook or writing a journal or doing something else that contributes to the dynamic, but the action is not experienced by the Dom. The Dom may be resting and expecting some kind of interaction from the sub, but the expectation may not be experienced by the sub. What does that look like to the other party? Sometimes it leads to misunderstandings. The Dom may see the sub as “not working hard enough”, or the sub may see the Dom as “not caring much”.

Arguments, such as “you are not working hard enough for me” or “You kept neglect the effort i put in, in this D/s dynamic” are often the symptoms of this confusing lack of physical aspect in the D/s dynamic, which can result in instability in the long distance relationship. The Dom may want to possess and control over the distance, but it can be difficult for him to provide the appreciation and recognition for a sub’s work. Physically, this is easy, but when the physical is not there it becomes complex and easily misunderstood.

THE LACK OF REAL-TIME SYNCHRONISATION

i may wake up half an hour before my Master, and bring out coffee 5 minutes before He is awake. i may kneel behind the door when i hear my Dom returning home. i may kiss His feet when i know He is in the mood to accept my respects.

Over distance, our synchronisation gets thrown out, and it becomes more difficult to keep track of each other’s life. What time did you wake up? What time did you curl up to sleep? What are you doing at 2pm, are you at work? Are you free? How are you feeling?

With less information about our Dom or sub, D/s and Power Exchange become more difficult. Communication becomes a bit like throwing a ball expecting the other person to catch it. You’re not quite sure if the other person is looking or not.

i may kneel when my Dom is working, and that is supposed to be something that enhances our D/s dynamic, but it could end up being annoying. Sometimes we may be trying hard to please our Dom, but He may be involved in a social activity that doesn’t allow Him to give you attention. Any number of situations like this can arise, resulting in a kind of dynamic instability, can harm harm the D/s dynamic.

We’re also not always “on”, and this is something that is easily felt when we’re physically together but not as clear when we’re not. Sometimes your Master feels strongly dominant, sometimes He doesn’t. Power flows both ways, and when it’s not synchronised it can create issues.

DEALING WITH ISSUES IN LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

It’s important to be able to recognise and separate LDR instability. Accepting some things as LDR issues rather than relationship issues allows you to deal with them with clarity.

When you encounter D/s dynamic instability caused by long distance relationships, try not to take it too personally and harm the hard work that has gone into your D/s relationship.

Further complicating the matter, if you’re also polyamorous then you will have to be aware that your Dom will need to spend time and give attention to His other partner/s.

Communication is always going to be the key to having a healthy relationship. Clear communication will allow you to understand when to withdraw attention from the LDR and when to turn all your attention to your Dom.

Can the D/s dynamic work in long distance relationships? It really depends on your D/s relationship. There’s no doubt that LDR creates limits, but if you are able to support each other long distance then there are no limits that you can’t surmount.