The term “mental illness” is loaded with negative connotations, often debatable and very tricky to define. What is “mentally ill” and what is “having a different mentality that sits outside the norm”? i’ve used “mental health issues” in the title of this article, but it doesn’t have to be “issues” in a negative sense. Being shy or introverted might be something you consider an “issue”. Or it could be something more debilitating, like panic attacks. i don’t think that anything should get in the way of you exploring your identity, so i wanted to discuss some coping strategies that can help in forming safe and healthy connections.

For some people, BDSM is a spicy sprinkle on top of a healthy sex life. Others have been drawn to it in a deeper way since pre-puberty. It can be hard for people who are not particularly drawn to BDSM to understand that for many people who incorporate it into their lifestyle it is a need, rather than a want. It’s not optional or “alternative”, it’s often not about eroticism or sexual pleasure, it’s the cooling water that soothes a long period of dehydration.

Peer pressure and trying to fit into what is deemed “normal society” can push people to suppress their BDSM needs. For those who are drawn to it because it is part of their (suppressed) identity, this can be very damaging. How that suppression might interact with other mental health issues, like PTSD, depression, BPD etc is unknown. It could even lead to, or cause, come of these issues.

There’s a feeling that i want to call “the edge”, when BDSM urges and mental health seem to bubble, churn and interact. It can feel very irrational, and it can be hard to neatly separate feelings and thoughts in compartments and say “this comes from here, and this comes from here”. But, it can feel very urgent and like it must be acted upon.

Here’s some advice for dealing with “the edge”.

1. Keep sane!

This is the most important and difficult thing to do ever. When the edge hits and you feel the urge to explore your identity, it can feel impulsive and fog our safety judgement. Nothing seems to stay focused in your vision, you just really want what you want. That might be meeting the same kind, exploring the community, love or just something very physical. In straighter-thinking times we understand things like consensuality and our limits much better, and it’s important to keep a grip on these thoughts and not throw them out on impulse. There’s a lot of potential for danger when you’re cutting holes in your own safety net.

2. Turn to someone you can trust

It’s always good to have someone that you can trust, who won’t take advantage of you. Sometimes you just need some tight bondage to feel right – someone who can tie you up and sit there side by side with you. Or you need someone who knows how to give you a little pain and do it well. Most probably, all you need is just companionship – someone who understands you and will give you social support. You rarely need that guy who just cruised you on Recon, because that guy comes with a lot of uncertainties and unknowns, and probably isn’t interested in your well-being nearly as much as he’s interested in his own satisfaction.

3. Educate yourself

If you type “depression” into your google search bar, you’ll get thousands of results. If you can find a kink-friendly therapist/psychologist then that’s fantastic, but at the very least it will always help you to do research on your mental health and find out more about how your brain is wired differently.

4. Communicate

Does “can I come over to your house tonight?” mean for sex, or to drink tea? Quite often miscommunication is the root of all evils. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and don’t be afraid to state your needs clearly.

5. Know yourself

you might think the fantasy of going into a gay sauna is great, but you might not have the emotional capacity to handle such a situation. The dilemma of course is that to know where your limits are and what you can emotionally handle, you need to experiment and explore. If you haven’t tried being tied up by ropes, it’s hard to know if you can handle it or not. Just like how someone describing a cake to you can’t help you to decide whether you would like eating cake or not. Do the best you can to understand yourself, be open to exploring, but try to understand where your hard limits are.

6. Pre-plan, Start Slow, Conduct Reality-checks

If you know you have mental health issues that interact with your BDSM desires, go slow, there’s no break-neck hurry. Ask questions, explore things. Establish good communication, safewords, brake words, mutual fetishes etc. Make sure that as much as possible you are in control. And check your reality – is the plan realistic? You want things to work out the way you planned them.

7. Have a back-up plan

Are you able to get out when you want? What would you do in an emergency? Do you have someone to rescue you?

8. Self-care, After-care

i understand how difficult it is to do this, but realistically you can often not expect another person to take care of any emotional fallout that comes from what you do. If you choose your partners wisely, then hopefully you won’t be left alone to deal with this, but ultimately the responsibility for caring for yourself is yours. Think beyond the physical, and make sure you have strategies in place to nurture the mental aspects too.