I was listening to an interview on the radio this morning with two orchestra conductors. Answering a question about whether they felt anxious before going on stage, both admitted that they did and described it as being like a “cocktail party in the head”. At this cocktail party, everyone is out to judge you. You haven’t prepared enough, there have been better versions before you, you’re just not very good. The audience is sitting out there, waiting to find fault with you. In your head, it probably looks something like this comic strip.

What was interesting was that both of them said that as soon as they stepped on to the podium or into the pit, that anxiety always disappeared. They didn’t think it was because the audience clapped and they felt a wave of love. They described it as a shift of focus. The “cocktail party in the head” was self-focused. It’s “me, me, me” thoughts. But when they got to the podium their focus shifted from themselves outwards. To the orchestra, the piece of music, the job at hand.

Everyone feels anxiety at some time I think. Some feel it more than others, but it would surprise me if someone never felt it at all.

Yes, dirty secret, even Doms can get anxious. What if someone’s done it to you better than I can do it to you? What if I make a mistake? Have those months in the gym paid off?

So, anxiety is not just a sub emotion, it’s a human emotion.

BDSM necessitates us changing our focal point. Being a Dom, or a sub, or a Top/bottom, is not an inward-focusing role, it’s about reading the other person. In a way, we’re like the conductor and the orchestra, focused on each other to get the music right.

There might be anxiety in those moments before “the music starts”. Meeting up with a new partner, preparing for play, waiting for things to happen. But, if that’s mostly to do with worrying about what will happen or how we will be perceived, I think BDSM makes it difficult to remain anxious.

At some point we’ve got to stop worrying about ourselves and start focusing on the music. I think at that point, for most of us, the anxiety disappears and we stop worrying about whether anyone is watching us dance.