by Bob Buckley
It is (or can be) very nice to have friends. But, sometimes, they do make simple suggestions. This paper came about from the simple suggestion of Daddy Bob (Los Angeles) that I write about the ageing bottom, and from the equally simple suggestion of Doc (Dallas) that I write about the ageing top. Well, when I started thinking about what to write, I had a sneaking suspicion that there may have been a trifle touch of sadism in their suggestions. It took quite a while for the following to emerge, even though the actual writing and revision took two days.
The gay world is notorious for its ageism. Certainly, in the vanilla gay world there is almost a total emphasis on youth – leading to many guys being mutton trying to masquerade as lamb. The received wisdom has been that the gay male SM world is not ageist – its partners are chosen on grounds of expertise. This is one of the great myths of gay male SM. As a result of the promulgation of the “Drummer Dogma”, image and attitude expression reached epic proportions in the SM/leather/vinyl scene (and despite the “Daddy” image promulgated by “Drummer”, that magazine’s emphasis has been upon relatively youthful image makers).
So, with the heavy emphasis on youth (or relative youth), what options are there for those tops or bottoms who are young no longer, and whose photographs certainly would not be considered for the gracing of a “Drummer” centrefold? Belated recognition of the “facts of gay life”? Celibacy? Auto-erotism? Suicide? What??
Leaving aside the huge problem (worldwide) of the lack of proficient SM exponents, and realising that a geographical co-incidence of a compatible top/bottom combination by no means always occur, I am not convinced 100% that the ageing top and bottom, unable to score, do not have themselves to blame – partially.
OK, we know there are so-called tops who really are chicken-hawks in leather. We know there are so-called tops who will out with young SM virgins only, since they can indulge their own ego trips knowing the young SMs lack the experience to realise that what is being done to them is “rat shit” insofar as real SM is concerned. We know that the availability of ANY other SM exponent may be nil, in some areas (this can be overcome by a willingness to travel to where there are other SM exponents. It is too easy just to give up even trying, in this situation. But, ageing tops and bottoms can have unreal expectations. Some do demand the sun and the moon.
However, too many ageing bottoms I have known have adopted the “Drummer Dogma” outlook on image and attitude – while not seeing such projection with SM expertise and do not face the fact of the “Drummer Dogma” inherent ageism. For them to adopt the dogma is a sure recipe for SM disappointment.
For instance, a number of them are unable to work out with an SMer unless he looks like a Mr. Drummer finalist. The same applies to some ageing tops I have met. A bit more realism on their part could lead to interesting conjunctions with the mere mortals of this world, and to far less frustration on their part. The choice is up to them.
Stubbornness can be a distinct problem. Some ageing bottoms (and especially those with a lot of SM experience) have decided they really know what they want and are not prepared to experiment with a top willing to work out with them unless he guarantees to deliver exactly what they want (an extremely unlikely occurrence most of the time). Such stubbornness can mean they miss out on new scenes that could broaden their SM experience.
Some ageing tops cannot (or will not) adapt, either. Such stubbornness leads to a loss of SM imagination and to a slow strangulation of SM ability. For the problem outlined here I would suggest that, if there is an unwillingness to adapt, the non-adaptive person has only himself to blame if, for the reason above, he cannot attract partners. Again, the choice is up to him.
Unrealistic expectations of the ease of gaining SM experience on the part of younger tops/bottoms should be considered. From my own observation and experience, I believe that SM expertise is not gained easily – no way! It takes time, time, time – and it takes maturity of outlook. Literally, it takes thousands of hours of hard, dedicated, analytical work to gain SM proficiency as a top or a bottom. Which is why just about all the top level SM exponents I know are not young men. If one is into real SM, youthful glamour is not a substitute for the hard, dedicated, analytical work and maturity of outlook. While it easy to don SM imagery and to LOOK the part (& far too many guys do just that, ONLY), it is NOT easy to be a really proficient SMer.
Without trying even hard, I can think of three marvelously proficient SMers who would never win a Mr. Drummer competition and who, with youthful image as a criterion, would not attract partners. These guys are Fledermaus, Dean of Seattle, and Ted of Tennessee. Now, while none is a specimen of svelte, youthful beauty, no one who knows them has ANY doubts about the continuing high level of demand made upon the undoubted skills.
These guys have worked their butts off trying to perfect their skills, and that hard work continues to pay dividends. Ageing tops and bottoms (& younger tops and bottoms as well) could do a lot worse than try to match the dedication to SM shown by these three gentlemen. I do not have much sympathy for those guys who are prepared to moan about their lack of success, but who are not prepared to take steps to overcome such lack.
As for the younger tops and bottoms who adopt the vanilla sex youth line and refuse to work out with older guys of such experience and talent as the three I have mentioned, what can I say except that they deserve to miss out on what could be the experience of a lifetime. To act in such a manner must severely limit their own SM potential.
Complaints of ageing bottoms that they are unable to get a top to work out with can be solved very simply in a number of cases. They can train their own tops. All they have to do is to forget the roleplaying shit of the “Drummer Dogma” and get down to working out a real SM relationship – while remembering that, in such a relationship, EACH partner contributes and EACH partner learns from the other. Of course, the bottom has to be sure that the guy selected for training has true top potential. An Apollo Belvedere body, plus gargantuan genitalia, do not guarantee that potential. Image is one thing, potential is quite another. The bottom has to be thoroughly realistic. And, for such a situation to work (& indeed, in every SM situation), it is essential for both partners to be adaptive. If the ageing bottom is unable to secure a top locally, it could be that an certain of travel will make one available – if only for a short period of time. Certainly there are adds in the gay publications that can scrutinised, although it needs close scrutiny since many of them are either unrealistic in their requirements or they contain pure fantasy.
Still, if one wants some SM action, and if no one is available in one’s immediate vicinity, it will be necessary to try to make SM contact through ads in the gay media. And, of course, it can be productive to place one’s own SM ad as well (without unreal expectations & without fantasy).
I believe that the ageing bottom’s plight is more serious than is that of the ageing top. For one thing, there are far more bottoms around than there are tops. For another, an experienced bottom’s reputation for SM expertise can scare off inexperienced, or insecure, tops (since bottoms can detect their lack of ability).
For ageing tops, the scarcity of good tops means that those less proficient ones are in greater demand than their level of experience warrants – age does not seem to be the obstacle it can prove to be for the ageing bottom. I would say that those ageing tops who are unable to attract willing bottoms should have an honest self analysis to see just what they have been doing in all the facets of their SM life.
It may very well be that they have maintained image/attitude projection at the expense of SM expertise and SM truth. If that has happened, a change is possible.
It may that they have allowed ego trips to violate trust given them in the past. A recovery of SM reputation may not be possible, and I see no reason why bottoms should be required to forgive and forget under those circumstances. Violations of trust are unforgivable.
Although I know there is the dogma that the best top is/has been the best bottom, like all dogmas it just does not work out that way in the world of reality. Some superb tops have developed that route. Others have not. What I would not suggest happen is, because of the sheer need for an SM scene, any ageing SMer adopt the other role – not unless he has the mentality for it.
I tend to believe that, as SM expertise develops, so does the mentality that goes with that expertise. And I do not mean (or recommend) the “divinity” mentality that goes with the “Drummer” Dogma. After all, what we do in SM, we do because it turns us on – all my SM thinking comes this premise. If one is turned on as a top or bottom only, it does not make SM sense to persist in the other role.
For a bottom to go into a top role can mean he’s tackling something for which, technically, he’s not prepared. One of the basic requirements of a good top, and one of the critical ones, is the ability to “read a body”. That ability comes about only with all the hard work to which I have referred. As well, a bottom tends to reproduce the scenes that turn him on. Such reproductions neglect the legitimate requirements of his partner. For such a top, what can happen is that, instead of being turned on by what is happening to him, he analyses what is really happening. Such action would be obvious would be obvious to any competent top working with him, and the “failed” scene would be terminated. What I recommend is that you always be true to your nature – always within the confines of SM safety and SM ethical behaviour.
Certainly, I would not recommend to any ageing guy that, in his intense need for a scene, he put aside his SM safety/ethics standards. These NEVER should be compromised. But he may need to lower his expectations. After all, I have referred to the dearth of good SM tops/bottoms around the world (there are unfortunately far too many poseurs). The lowering of expectations refers to the intensity required in a scene. It’s better than having no scene at all!
To finish, for ageing tops and bottoms, I suppose the most important thing I can say is to think POSITIVELY about your age (if you MUST think about it at all). To think about it negatively can be selfdefeating. After all, not everyone out there automatically eliminates from consideration everyone over 18. So you may be ruling yourself out unnecessarily.
Certainly, I would recommend you work on your SM skills – a good SM exponent usually gets some action. Be prepared to travel to get some SM action. After all, the mountain did not come to Mohammed. And, certainly, I would recommend that you give up trying to get SM action through image/attitude projection.
SM expertise/experience doesn’t need that kind of advertising. Always be true to yourself and to others. Never compromise on SM safety and ethics. The best of luck – you may need it.
About the Author
The late Bob Buckley was an SM writer, educator and activist who documented leather culture in Australia and around the world. He passed away in 1991, having touched and enriched many people’s lives. His contribution to the community was so great that the annual Sydney Leather Pride Week has a Bob Buckley Memorial Lecture.
Drummer Magazine was an influential gay leather journal, published in the US from 1975 to 1999. Some of the issues have been scanned and uploaded in full and are available on Scribd and the Leather Archives and Museum has a full set of 241 covers on Pinterest.
This piece was written in 1989 and the issue remains as relevant today as it was then. It first appeared in S/M Perspectives (Vol 1, Issue 1), independently published in Vancouver by Rainfall Press in 2003.