I think at some point or another, most kinksters have brought a little (or a lot of) funishment into the bedroom. We don’t spend our evenings perusing the Mr S online store because we’ve got out-of-control subs, we do it because we play hard.

“you’ve been a very naughty boy. Get over my knee, I’m going to have to spank you!”

There’s nothing wrong with that. We’re all mature adults around here. We know when play is play and when things start to get serious.

But, when things do start to get serious, we’re often faced with dilemmas like:
• My boy is a bit of a maso and he gets off on the pain
• I tried that last time, but here we are in the same situation again
• What if it backfires and put distance between us?
• What if he hates it and starts to resent me?
• What if it triggers other issues?

Punishment isn’t meant to be enjoyable. If it is, then it isn’t punishment. If you’re using funishment in the bedroom, then you have probably chosen what you do there based on mutual enjoyment. That means that the things you do in the bedroom are probably not going to be effective punishments, which means you need an entirely different approach if you are using punishment for behaviour modification.

Fortunately, you have four different overall approaches available to you and it is worthwhile familiarising yourself with the basis for this in our article Behavior Modification Using Reinforcement and Punishment.

It’s worth repeating something that we touched on in that article. Punishment is only fair if you have already discussed what you want and how to achieve it clearly with your sub, AND you’ve checked that they understand and they are capable of doing so. No sub is a mind reader, and it’s unfair to punish anyone because they just ambiently “should have known” what you wanted.

Punishment is also not a substitute for communication. You need to run through the issue with your sub, making sure that they understand exactly what the punishment is for and getting a commitment from them to correct the behaviour in the future.

If properly administered, punishment can strengthen bonds between Dom and sub. Restrictions and boundaries are part and parcel of our power exchange, and it’s a part that many subs enjoy having. But, they’re not real if they’re not enforced.

What can be used for punishment? I’m not sure of the source of the illustration below, and personally I wouldn’t use many of suggestions, but you might see something that inspires you. The main thing is that it should be something that truly is a punishment for your sub. If you can find a punishment that is associated with the transgression then all the better, because that sense of association will help to deliver a strong message.