Any therapist worth their framed degree will be trying to take a holistic approach to your mental well-being. They’ll be interested in exploring your relationship with the world, and in particular with the people in your world. No-one ever wants to freak out their therapist, but keeping silent about your BDSM lifestyle:
– robs the therapist of information that might be valuable to them in helping you
– robs you of the opportunity for professional guidance if/when you need it

If you’re fortunate enough to have a therapist with background or knowledge in BDSM, then for sure, turn yourself in. Tell the therapist everything that you have encountered. The more they know, the more they can help you.

Unfortunately, not many psychologists come from a BDSM background, and they could very well be dealing with it for the first time. I think most of us accept that our brain is wired very differently through our fetishes or kinks, and it’s common for outsiders to reduce what we do to sexual acts, rather than real lifestyle/culture. Even when an outsider understands that it’s more than sex, there are often strong misconceptions, misunderstandings, and even discrimination/prejudice.

“I was made to feel like I am not normal and a social deviant. I felt uncomfortable and felt I could not freely be myself or talk openly about issues concerning myself to my psychologist.”
“The therapist refused to continue to see me until I acknowledge that I was being ‘Abused’.”
“I was told that my depression was due to my participation in BDSM activities and lifestyle practices. That if I stopped the ‘negative’ behaviors then I would feel better. Instead I stopped seeing her and continued to full recovery.”
“As a mental health professional I have witnessed misunderstandings and misdiagnoses by my colleagues for service users with alternate sexual practices.”
“Mental health practitioner for the Veterans administration’s comment was that she did not want to get involved in my games. She looked at my BDSM lifestyle as counterproductive to my mental health and thought it was caused from a dysfunctional relationship with my father.”
“I was told by several mental health professionals that my desire to inflict pain on another, albeit willing participant, was deviant and I needed to deal with my anger and bigotry issues.”

 

2008 Survey of Discrimination and Violence Against Sexual Minorities

Looking for the right therapist is almost like looking for the right life partner. You want the therapist to really understand you, from your perspective (not theirs), and give you informed advice on how to journey towards stability and health, with their professional knowledge.

In the context where a professional therapist is not experienced with BDSM, there’s a need for a more collaborative relationship than the one that is often traditional. You are informing and guiding the therapist, and the therapist is dealing with this new information on the fly, fitting it into their knowledge and understanding of the way the mind works.

Sometimes it may take some patience, but is ultimately achievable. For example, therapists often understand pain in a specific, negative way. They’re not incapable of understanding masochism, but it may mean that they need to get over certain preconceptions about what pain is and how it might be linked to pleasure.

But, in the example above, if you hit a wall where the therapist can only associate masochism with self harm, it’s a warning sign that healthy collaboration may not be possible. Obviously, anything other signs that the therapist thinks you should be “reformed” or that your kinks are a “mental illness” should also be looked on with deep suspicion. Assuming you’re engaged in healthy consensual kink and harming no-one, you are not ill, and anyone who tells you that you are is not to be trusted.

Often, a healthy relationship with a therapist for someone into kink and BDSM requires holding on to as much autonomy as you can. Instead of letting the therapist make judgements about your mental well-being, you may need to work with the therapist and try to cooperate in a process of discovery.

No one knows better than you yourself do. You might be able to explain the traumatic event that bother you for a long time, but you might not be able to explain the social anxiety, you might be able to explain the trauma attack, but you might not be able to explain what was going on in the past to your therapist. Therapy is a complex process of finding out how your brain is wired, trying to find out where it is tangled, and then slowly tackling the process of untangling it. But human experience and memories are much more complex than objective facts, and we sometimes create our own versions of reality. It’s great to talk with a professional, but that professional has to be on your side.

Being active in the process may be more difficult than being passive, and it can require a lot of your own research, but at the end of the day it will be the most powerful way to untangle the mind.

And of course, if your mental illness is an urgency, don’t hesitate or overthink it. Go see a therapist! Sometimes you just need an ear and someone there for you, to give you mental support and a hug!

FURTHER READING

• Clarisse Thorn – The Psychology of S&M
• David M. Ortmann, ‎Richard A. Sprott  2013 – Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities
• Keely Kolmes Psy.D and Geri Weitzman Ph.D – A Guide to Choosing a Kink-Aware Therapist