We talk about the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in this post. One core aspect of BPD is the fear of abandonment. There is a reason why NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness puts it on the top of the list, and it’s certainly been the biggest battle for me, personally.

BDSM is intense, and the things we do can allow us to reach a very close connection. But, like every connection, it’s not constantly “plugged-in and on”. We’re not always together. We’re not always focused on each other. We’re not always in the middle of an intense BDSM scene.

So, even if the connection is deep between two individuals, there’s always some kind of low-level “aftercare” going on in a relationship, during the times when when we’re not “plugged-in”. Whether that’s little notes pinned to the fridge or a steady stream of phone messages, to sustain a healthy relationship it’s necessary to ping each other occasionally to remind the other person that we care for them and we are there for them.

If your partner has BPD then you need to be aware that that need is greatly amplified. The way BPD works doesn’t follow your logic and reason. If you leave a good morning message every morning, then you can’t argue that “you only skipped one message because you were busy and it was only for one day and what’s the big deal about?”, because your BPD partner may very well have been spending hours freaking out about it, and for him/her it’s a very big deal indeed.

When we talk about aftercare, we’re usually talking about the period immediately after an intense BDSM session. BDSM releases a lot of chemicals into the body of a bottom/submissive. Dopamine, adrenaline and endorphins in particular. It can also release a lot of emotions. The end of a session can easily lead to sub-drop. There’s a need to rebalance and ease back into reality. Many subs feel fragile and have a lot going on that they need to process.

So, responsible Dominants recognise that the session doesn’t end when the whip goes back into the box. They take responsibility for the aftercare of the submissive, nurturing them back to a stable state. How much care is needed, and what kind of care is needed, is highly individual. Some subs need none at all, some need lots. Some need a little sometimes and lots at other times, depending on how they feel or what just happened.

Again, if your submissive has BPD then it’s important to be aware of that possibility of fear of abandonment. Even if your sub appears to bounce out of the session feeling great, if you’re going to pack your stuff and leave (or just go to another room and watch some TV), that appearance that everything is fine might not last long after you’re gone.

Of course this is something that you can’t see or gauge, in the same way that you might be evaluating other post-session conditions, so it’s important to ask questions.

• If you’re a submissive/bottom, be open about your condition. you don’t need to go into a whole explanation of BPD if you don’t want to, but a good Dominant is not going to be scared off if you tell them what helps you avoid a drop. In fact, if they’re good, they’ll be happy you told them.

• If you’re a Dominant/Top and you know your partner has BPD, be aware that they can be having thoughts that you can’t see and may not understand. Ask how they’re feeling. Ask if there’s anything you can do. Make it clear that you care.

DO YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT KIND OF AFTERCARE YOU NEED?

When the session is over, do you feel sub-drop? And are you honest with your top about the care you need? If you have BPD or play with partners with BPD we’d love to hear your experience.

FURTHER RESOURCES ABOUT SUB-DROP

We’ll write some full posts about sub-drop and aftercare in the future, but they are important concepts to understand for anyone doing what we do. Here are a few good resources:

• Satin and Lace – Sub-Drop
• Growing Up Little – Learning About Sub-Drop
• The Organic Dominant – Physical and Emotional Sub-Drop